Awhile

It’s been awhile since we’ve talked. I know A LOT  of people told you things that weren’t true of me.  When I saw what was happening, instead of trying to defend myself I shut down. Some people were telling me you never really cared which is why I went on that rant.  There are certain people keeping you away from your true friends.  I pray you are ok.  I’m always, always, always, always……..here if you need to talk.  Do not be afraid.  We’ve known each other decades, I have never done anything to you that should indicate otherwise.  Most of what is told to you is out of jealousy. And manipulation. If you’re truly happy, let’s talk.  If you’re stuck, let’s talk.  If you just want to visit, or Bible study, let’s talk.  The kids miss their, “uncle.”

We have been through far too much to let our friendship die because someone else says so. Life is too short. I’ve already survived cancer. And still, tomorrow isn’t promised.  I will always love you.

See you

I’m anxious to see you this weekend.  I’ve begun working on a flash drive of articles and pictures on you. So far, I have over 100 articles from teen magazines, from way back in the day. I want so much to show you these.

I begin vacation Monday night. Would love to watch the season premier of HAHN with you Tuesday. Please.

Thank you.  Always here. Forever. You’re stuck with me. No matter what. Thirty-two years is a long time……..don’t be afraid. Just take a deep breath and go!

Get your butt here  the weekend of May 18-21. I don’t care what you have planned. Cancel it. Come alone. Please. We NEED to talk. God has been telling me things to tell you. Please. One weekend is all I ask. I deserve that much. You need my support. Thanks My address is in the About section of Facebook. She doesn’t need to come with you. Don’t repeat the past. It’s gotten you no where. Love you.

Sadness and hope

Once in a while, we have someone enter Our Lives who changes is forever. Sometimes that person doesn’t even know their impact on our lives. And sometimes, I wonder if they even care. I have one such friend that I have known for over 30 years. And lately is that person has been having hardships after hardships. But instead of reaching out to me, a friend he’s known for a long time, someone he can trust no matter what and someone who will love him unconditionally. He reaches out to someone whom I believe has other intentions. Someone who spoke badly in the past and lied about other people, just to get close to this person. And I am to the point of throwing up my hands and walking away from the situation because I can no longer get through or reach them. I guess this is best sometimes. Even though I love the person’s going through trials and hardships with all my heart, I need to walk away and let them sink or swim. And maybe, they will see that I am more trustworthy and Care deeper than those who say they do. Sometimes when you love someone so much you do just have to let go and let God deal with them. My only hope is that this person will wake up and see that there are many many  crabs trying to pull them down to the bottom of the bucket that they don’t realize are doing so. But I can see perfectly clear what is happening. All I can do, is be there when it’s all over.

To Be Loved

I want to feel loved.  I know my parents and kids love me.  But, when you’re in a relationship and still feel alone and unloved, I guess is bad.

I long to have someone show they love me in ways that make me smile.

I long for someone to put their arms around me from behind.

I long for passionate love making. Not just, “I want to stick it in ya.” Or, “Lube it up.”  Even for one night.

I want to hear that I am their world.

I want someone to miss me.  And miss them in return.

I want to feel loved…..

I want someone to tell me they love me as much as I love them and mean it, even if we can’t be together all the time.

I’m tired of the sadness and loneliness.  I would rather actually be alone, than to be with someone who makes me feel worthless.

Stuck, still

I don’t know how much more I can take.  I have never felt so unloved in all my life. True, he buys the groceries…only what he wants. If I ask for something, he asks why I need it. But, when his dad picks him up from work, which is 99% of the time, they go eat breakfast. If I see something I would like to eat for breakfast, he tells me, I have food at the house.

If his parents need money, or cook something, they get the money first, and the food gets eaten before anything I fix does. I know you’re supposed to love your parents and honor them, but when a person is almost 36 years old, it’s time to be on their own.

He has his dad pay his credit card bills for him.  He gets the money order and gives it to his dad to mail off.  He buys food for his dad to cook for at work, but when I want something for the house, he hesitates.  I have to remind him that there are other people besides him or me living there.  I have children.  I am praying so hard that I can get ahead financially. Just when I think I am, boom….I’m overdrawn.

He has told me I’m a failure as a mother.  My daughter is a failure in his sight. I’m lazy. I have medical problems….but can’t afford to have them dealt with.  They tend to wear me out dealing with the pain sometimes.

I am praying so hard….I wish I had a fairy godmother like Cinderella.

I already do all the cleaning, except his laundry.  Everything else, I do.  IF his dad doesn’t cook for us, as far as lunches for work (he and I both work at the same place, same shift), he will ask me what am I going to fix.  He NEVER offers to fix something. And when I do fix something for us, his dad does too and that wins out.

I’m about ready to give up!!! I have never deplored someone so much. God please send and angel or something to help me!!!

 

Musical Genius

When I was five years old, I heard a wonderful song titled, “Mandy.” Shortly after I inquired who sang it, I received my first 45 vinyl record, of the song, from the artist, Barry Manilow. I was an instant fan of his music. My first 8-track tape was, “Even Now,” by Barry. From that moment on, I acquired almost all his record albums. I am currently working on my CD collection. I have seen the man recently in concert for the third time. He never fails to entertain. He has never failed to come out with the most brilliant music.

He is truly a musical genius. And legend.

Stuck

I used to wonder how people can wind up in relationships they are not happy with, and yet remain in them.   For the past several years, I have found MYSELF in such a relationship. I thought I was being, “helpful,” by allowing my boyfriend to move in with me, back in January 2012.  It was only supposed to be while he recovered from surgery. But, four years later, he’s still here.  And, not because I want him here.  He has never changed his address, his dad calls every day to see if he’s up for work (we work at the same place, same shift and my alarm works just fine). I’ve put up with verbal abuse. Drunkenness. Why do I put up with it?  Because he has threatened me…..if I leave him, he’ll see to it that I am fired (he plays XBox with one of the main managers), he has threatened to tell landlord I have too many pets or call DHS on me for no reason but to make them come out. He has cheated on me and lied about it, when I had evidence that he had. It would be different if we were in an open relationship.

He does nothing around the house except his own laundry and mow the grass. He pays the cable and water, and groceries (only what he wants to buy). I take care of everything else.

I am working on a plan to get rid of him. But, it seems to stall.  I can only pray that God continues to give me strength to tolerate him.  Which should be no problem, because I just do not care anymore.

And, I would like to know what it’s like to receive affection. I don’t get hugs, kisses….just, “lube it up!” How romantic…. NOT!!!

Early Morning

Sometimes I love standing outside early in the morning.  I mean, real early, like 4 am, early. Of course, I’m usually working at that time, but when I’m off, I like to go outside and listen to the sounds.  This morning I heard, a train come through town, what sounded like lumber being unloaded at the lumber company;  A horn of a car, an acceleration of a car, toot over at the Nissan plant.  An occasional dog bark.

When I was a little girl, in the rural farmlands of Dallas City, Illinois, I would do the same thing.  Just not as early in the morning.  I would be out in my grandparents backyard in the swing, with my eyes closed, just listening to the sounds.  There I heard more nature sounds.  Whipowhil, an owl, crickets and other bugs, frogs, distant dog bark.  And sometimes, even a train as it passed through that tiny town. Sometimes a car in a distance as it got closer, and closer to the house.  Then the sound of it as it faded out of ears shot,

I would think, as I do now, the origins of those sounds.  I will probably never see exactly what makes them, but they are there all the same.

Amazing.

Angie

Bucket list

I have a friend that posted something about a bucket list.   I know all too well how life can turn on a dime.  When I was diagnosed with vulvarian cancer in 2009, it was kinda scary.  Cancer is not a pretty word.  I thought of all the things I had not done that I wanted to do.  I thought of my kids growing up without me.   Thank God the doctor got all the cancer, and it has not returned (so far).  

But my friend got me thinking that I need a bucket list.  I already did one thing on my old list; I went to New York City.  Now, I want to visit again.  But I would love to visit out West. I’d like to visit the Holy Land. There are so many things I can think of. 

I don’t have cancer anymore, but now I have heart problems.  With inherited high cholesterol, and already a 64% blockage at age 44, I need to get with it on doing, instead of just listing.

So, with a new year, comes new challenges.  I’ll never miss an opportunity to say what I feel. And I hope other people will do the same for me.